What do they know?

2012-01-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

Sex. It’s an untouchable subject. Left to diagrams and vague explanations. Only the birds and the bees do it (oh, and married heterosexual couples too). I can’t ask about sex because even asking about masturbation leads to raised eyebrows and responses that leave me feeling ashamed for having asked in the first place. Words like “sexual immorality”, “impure”, “dirty”, and “sinful” got thrown at me in high school when talking about sex.

I remember sitting in the sanctuary on a Friday morning, looking down at my khaki pleated skirt as a grown married couple rambled about the importance of being pure on the stage only a few yards in front of me. I shifted in my seat and looked around at my classmates in the pews around me. Was I the only one who was strangely uncomfortable? This couple’s three abortions as responses to unwanted pregnancies prior to their marriage had left them empty, scarred, and forever changed. I didn’t question that. I questioned their reason for being here, their reason for scaring 200 kids into being abstinent with stories of brokenness and pain.

Yeah, I went to one of those schools. You know, the ones that choose to teach abstinence rather than sex education. After thirteen years of attending a Christian school, I am aware that abstinence is the only sure protection against pregnancy. I realize that abstinence in itself teaches the importance of self-control and responsibility as well as promoting the development of a value system about sex. Being taught abstinence from such a young age, has helped form my idea of what sex is. But just because my definition of sex includes words like “sacred”, “beautiful”, and “love”, doesn’t mean that everyone else’s definition does.

I folded my hands in my lap, and stared blindly ahead. I sat through an abstinence prayer in which students who had not been pure were able to re-dedicate their lives to God, promising to end any and all sexual activity until they entered matrimony. From the perspective of a (not-completely-”pure”) virgin, I felt that these people were treating virginity as something that either added value or took value away from your life. If you were a virgin, you were special. If you were not a virgin, you were.. not so special, but fortunately, there was still hope for non-virgins. They were only a prayer away from regaining this virgin value back - does the term “born again virgin” sound familiar?

I feel that as in every other situation - even in religion itself - individuals should be given options - rational ones. The reasoning behind forcing people into abstinence by appealing to people’s emotions, is one that leads me to believe that we as teenagers are thought to be unable of making good decisions. Who says teaching sexual education encourages promiscuity? Who is the ultimate judge on whether having sex is a good or bad decision in the first place? My high school apologetics teacher would kill me for saying this, but.. it’s relative, isn’t it? Doesn’t it make sense that if sex has a different meaning for every individual, the effects of sex depend on what a person’s understanding of sex is? Comprehensive sexuality education programs that include abstinence allows individuals to decide when they are ready to have sex, whether it be before or after marriage, and allows them to do so in a safe manner.

Sex. It’s an open subject. You can learn about it from your parents and your teachers, not just from the anatomy book in the corner of your closet. Everyone does it, and those who don’t, want to.

Drunken proclamations of love. Stripes. Nutella triple stackers. Raised eyebrows.

2011-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

It's here. It's now. No longer looking. I've found it.

You put your arm around my shoulder, smiled and laughed. "I love you and if you ever need anything - anything at all - I will always be here for you. That's all I wanted to say." I giggled with him as he stumbled across the room. Nine shots - no good. Yet, nevertheless, I knew a good friend when I saw one. A couple of "I love you's" and two "fuck you's" later, the six of us sat in the room with crooked smiles on our faces. A kiss on my forehead. I tightened my grip. I only hope you know I'd say the same things to you nine shots later. I hope one day I can - even if my words do end up being obscured by your laughter.

Drag me down the stairs. I love who you are. You're beautiful in and out. You're real. You don't have to get it all right all the time. That's not why I love you. Hey, Girl Talk. We sit in a black room criticizing feminists. This room would be perfect for a photo shoot. What's wrong with loving boys? Three more shots until FIFA, he says. Adorable boys. Boys who buy matching black jeans. Boys who listen to Kanye and Jay-Z. "He listens to this? That's so cute." Black and white clothing. Sometimes purple. You're brilliant. You're amazing. You make me want to be my own person, except in a more obvious way. Why do you care so much, man? Hey, Stripes. You're out the door with a rushed hug and I'm hoping I see you again real soon.

Broken toaster. The pleasure of opening a brand new jar of creamy goodness. A glass of whole milk. Sitting on your lap is exactly where I want to be. Oversized shirt and sweats. I'm happy. "Are you awake?" No, but I am now.

"I like the feeling hot chocolate gives you in your chest." "Yeah, like suddenly I'm not so cold." Quick steps down the infinite. We were shivering under the Boston sky, but now we can't take off our coats and scarves fast enough. Everything that's happened matters so little now. You make me so mad sometimes. You make me cry. You fluster me. "It's about how much you're willing to put up with each other," says Stripes. She's right. We're here now - together and holding hands, finding excuses to see each other. 77 Mass Ave and time to say goodbye, but I've never been happier.

My life is beautiful. The most ordinary things have made it that way. I've found the perfect balance. This is the life I've always wanted - this is what I signed up for. I've stopped looking for happiness just like the fortune cookie said I would.

socially awkward

What do they know?

Drunken proclamations of love. Stripes. Nutella triple stackers. Raised eyebrows.